and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
