I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
