I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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