I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
