What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
