I wish my penis had an off switch
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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