Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
