Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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