somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
