i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
