Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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