Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
