I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
