I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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