I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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