i already hear my dad disowning me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
