The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She even gives head with a lisp.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
