She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
