People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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