good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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