So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
