part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
