Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
