my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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