mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
