my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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