I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
