Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
