i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
