I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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