This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
