We're like a lot better than the average bears
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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