She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need a beard to bite.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
