i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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