Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
