She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
