I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
