im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
