1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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