I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
