I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
