clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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