I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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