Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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