Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
