my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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