standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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