there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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