just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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