I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
